Wednesday, November 30, 2011

As I approach my last treatment...

Sorry for not posting anything in the last few treatments but they have been pretty uneventful. Everything is going as planned. I am so overwhelmed with so many emotions and my bi-polar days are more frequent. In the beginning I feared the unknown and now in the end I fear the unknown. All of my insecurities that I would not allow myself to feel are now coming out...and they are ugly!

In my heart and soul i truly feel like I have beat this awful cancer but every now and then a low whisper in the back of my mind reminds that I shouldn't count my eggs before they hatch. My thoughts go from woohoo I beat, shit I'll have to go through additional treatments because that one lymph node still lights up in my PET scan. I am still as positive as I was in the beginning and I know I gave it my all. But now I feel like it is judgement day and the thoughts of, "if there is still more in me the chemo will get and kick it's ass" are now turning to "i am done with my treatments and what if this or what if that"...too many what if thoughts

Another emotion that I am going through is (and this one is hard to put into words, so I hope you understand)...For 6 long months I have been a cancer patient, what will i be after this is done. It has controlled my life, dictated my daily activities, determined my calendar and even was my main topic of conversation with so many. I know I have always been Meredith but for the last 6 months I have been Meredith the Chemo patient. I'm not an attention whore but I have had such wonderful support and love these last few months that I wonder how it will be once it is all said and done. I love those text messages, phone calls and Facebook posts of encouragement. It was those kind words that gave me so much strength to fight the good fight. Will I be sad once they stop? Or, will I find a new strength within my self and my new found cancer free health?

Plus, I'm curious about this monkey I'll be carrying around on my back...I will call this monkey "relapse"...when, if ever will I feel free of relapse? they say after 8 years I will be considered "cured" but until that day comes will I get butterflies in my stomach or that nauseous feeling with every blood test and every PET scan? I'm sure the confidence will grow with each one but what if year 9 or 10 or 16 comes around and it isn't good news, then what?

Will I be instantly better and be back to my normal self? Will I miss my almost daily naps? Will I still need them? Will my hair grow back as fast as I lost it? Will I have reactions from the chemo down the road? Will I feel better when my port is removed? Will the scars fade? Will my children remember these last 6 months and think I was a warrior or not? Will I feel comfortable in my own skin again? SOOOOOOoooooo many questions, that only time will tell.

I will tell you something that never crossed my mind or doubted these last 6 much my friends and family helped me and love me. From Barbara and Aaron supporting me through this whole thing, checking on me and ted to see how we were dealing with this life changing disease, Dawn and Leigh Ann bringing my kids dinner on treatment nights, or Nicolle, Lorie and my Mom taking my kids for a sleepover so I could sleep, my mom for being here almost every treatment to watch the girls so ted could go to work on time and staying till all the kids were asleep, Lorie and Nicolle for bringing Josh and Mikey home from school on my bad days, Jeanne and Ed for my treatment morning text messages that always brought a smile to my face, my niece Bella coming over ans spending the night here to help with the kids, Ted for being so strong (even though i know this whole thing scared the crap out of him), Tara for letting me vent on the phone from the 1st tests to the last treatment, and all of the phone calls, emails, texts, facebook messages and comments that sent love, encouragement and strength from friends and family members from all over. Words can't describe and a "thank you" just doesn't cut it but know how much you all mean to me!!!