Wednesday, June 29, 2011

1st Chemotherapy Treatment

I woke up Tuesday the 28th after sleeping in my bed for the 1st night since the port was placed, granted i had to use 2 pillows but it was awesome to be back in my own bed and when i woke up it felt like any other day...then i realized i start chemo today-bleh!!! i got up and started getting ready went down stairs gave hugs and kisses to my kidlets and ted like i have done before every other appointment. i kept trying to tell myself, "this is just like all the other appts" until i saw Ted's face and the tears in his eyes were building up which in turn got me teary eyed (if i see another person cry...there is a pretty good chance that i will too, not sure if it's sympathy, empathy or just simply because I'm a sissy lala) but i rushed out the door and got in my car and drove to my Dr's and i almost passed the patient parking (apparently i must be in some kind of denial, hahahaha) i went in paid my co-pay, met with the financial counselor to try to figure out a payment plan and to see what kind of grants i can qualify for to help us out (FYI-cancer is expensive) after i left her office i went with the nurse weighed in and went in for vitals. the Dr came in and was reviewing my PET scan with me and was telling me that he is bumping me up to stage 3b. apparently i have "many" active lymph nodes in my abdomen. stage 2b and 3b are treated exactly the same, all it means is that it has spread below my diaphragm. but now i will have to have a bone marrow biopsy to see if it has spread to stage 4 (in my bone marrow) ***FYI-that is not my game plan-I'm not going to even touch that one with a ten foot pole unless need be*** the Dr's and nurses aren't uncompassionate but very matter or fact and for someone like me who gets overwhelmed when too much is coming at me too fast i cry (once again...sissy lala) the Dr asked if i was OK and i told him yes that i was just allergic to his office, every time i'm in there my eyes water ;) he got a good laugh from that and told me that i could do whatever i wanted in the office as long as i didn't get violent (thanks for the warning, hahahaha!). i went back to the chemo room and it's a huge room with what looks like lazy boy chairs lining the walls and every chair has an IV stand next to it. my nurse was going over everything with me but once she said she was giving me a 3 ring binder with all the information in it i simply checked out mentally. i did the occasional nod and said OK or uh huh but in my mind i was nervous, scared, and thinking out a gazillion different scenarios...but one thing came true to me in those minutes of "orientation"...this is REAL, this is really happening to me! the last 3 months of what ifs now seemed like a lifetime ago and the what ifs turned into the "what nexts". it startled me that all of sudden i felt weak and powerless but not defeated because i had a room full of nurses and doctor's who could be strong for me for the next 6 hours while i sat in this chair and various different poison's were being pumped into my body. the time flew by and i slept through most of it and as i was walking out the door of the center i regained my strength. almost as if when they gave me my appt card for my next visits they also gave me my strength back for my 4 beautiful children at home. i drove home walked in the door as everything was just the way i left it, the kids playing, ted yelling and bruiser wagging his tail, excited to see me.


  1. I have been in a funk tonight and then I read this....and like you started to tear up and trying really hard not to let the tears just flow! I often wonder why you and I have been given so much on our plates and I guess someone some where must think we are strong enough to handle it. You are amazing and I wish every day I was back there and jut give you a big ole hug or just to sit on the swing and talk and cry about everything! Continue to be strong and I will see you soon my friend!!!

  2. Wow, you are such a strong, positive person. I mean, I always knew that but seriously you're taking it to a whole new level. I also can't neglect to mention what an amazing blogger you are. I feel like I'm right there with you. Your English teachers would be so proud.

    I know you wear your emotions on your sleeve and that's why I love u so much! It's okay to cry! Sissy lala's are the in thing:)

  3. Your writing ability amazes me when this is all said and done and you are completely healthy again you should turn these blogs into a book. I love you and your strength! You are an inspiration for everyone who knows and loves you but always remember to let others be strength for you when you need it you don't have to be strong all the time nothing wrong with a Sissy Lala :-) Much love to you and I love that I can follow along on your journey and know how you are doing. Give our love to Ted and the kids too i wish we didn't live so far apart.