Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tears of Fear, Tears of Love, Tears of Joy and most importantly Tears of Relief!

So this week was my 3rd chemotherapy session, but most importantly my bone marrow biopsy (bmb) results. through out this whole thing I have not been overly scared until Dr. Parikh said he wanted to do a bmb to see if it had spread and he might have to move it up to stage 4. WHAT??? stage 4, surely this could not me happening to me, i don't even feel sick half the time and that is where this silent killer has brought tears of fear. Stage 1, 2 & 3 are all treated pretty much the same way but 4 would mean a bone marrow transplant (if I understood him correctly, so much information is thrown at me at once, I hope I am getting it all straight). I have been through so many procedures some were no biggie while others were downright painful. I did not not want to go through anymore pain. I have a lot of fight in me and I would put up another if I had to but that was not a path I wanted to go down.

I knew i would be strong enough for that battle because so many friends and family have come forward and said without hesitation that they would be tested. They would give me there bone marrow if I needed it. They would save my life!! That overwhelming amount of love I have in my life is amazing. I knew that if need be, someone would be my match and i would be OK. That unselfishness i felt from so many, brought tears of love to my eyes.

So when the Dr came in and shook my hand i said with a big smile, "so you have good news for me, right? I'm ready to do the happy dance!" he replied, "yes it came back negative" i stuck my hands in the air and did a happy dance in my seat! we laughed! and and the tears that came to my eyes were tears of joy! I held back the sobs this time, i swear I'm allergic to that eyes always seem to water there ;)

After my appt with my Dr i walked back into the chemo room and the nurses all greeted me and asked how my appt went and if i wanted to talk about it, i was so excited i hugged the nurse and said, "it came back negative, it didn't spread, I've got this!" she hugged me back and said, "she never doubted it". I started my chemo and sent out the good news via text and facebook and then settled in for my nice long nap. My brother, Ed came by with lunch for me at the end of treatment. He watched her flush out my lines and remove the IV. I followed him to his and Sarah's new house and got the tour then I left to drive home and pulled over on the side of the road and cried tears of relief! But not for myself, but for all the selfless, wholehearted friends and family in my life. I would never want them to go through that pain of having to be tested or be the match that would save my life, to be MY donor. Fingers crossed that it stays this way and that come the end of November I will have beaten this awful disease and I will look back at this 6 months with a new lease on life and more love in my heart by all who stood by me. I love you all very very very much!

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